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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 141
The Mafia Gazette Issue 141 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Thursday 28th June 'MONEYPENNY HAS NO WINKY ' By Totally Guitarded Following a conversation in OOC avenue yesterday on being trigger happy equaling your penis size MoneyPenny revealed that she has no winky, wait did MP say winky? Dario Castelletti brought forward the discussion yesterday morning, "In my experience, it’s often the men that do most of the erratic killing, and it seems to me like some associate kill lists with greatness. “I’ve shot 200 people, ner-ner”, you know the types. But what I can’t understand is, what does this gain them? Does it mean they have a bigger penis, cos they can kill more than everyone else? Are they actually saying, “I’ve killed 200 people, that means I’ve got a bigger lash than you”?" People were quick to join the controversial topic discussion, with a good crowd gathering to get their two cents in. The discussion really picked up however when MoneyPenny came in and quickly claimed that she had not killed anyone and hence had no winky. This news of MP's winky, or lack of, comes as a shock to the mafia community. 'TWO KILLED FOR PLOTTING ATTACK ON MRVALENTINE ' By Tea Jenny Two men were killed on Monday for separate plots on Criminals Under Ninja Training Boss Mr Valentine's life. Shillows plans came to light first and La Madrina, a family friend and leader of LA stepped in and took care of him before his plans could go any further. Soon after it came to attention that Birday had similar plans and Paradox, another family friend and leader of Denver, in an attempt to coax Birday's plans from him suggested the idea of assassinating Mr Valentine to him. Birday was interested and ranked out of citizenship where he was then shot by Paradox. We spoke to Mr Valentine about Mondays events: "Both men had at different times plotted to kill me. I am still unsure of the reasons, and I don't much care. We found out about Shilow's efforts and LaMadrina took swift action to stop any attempt by Shilow on my life. Birday was interested in a suggestion from Paradox regarding taking my life, however Paradox is a trusted friend of mine, and acted purely in an attempt to force Birday out of citizenship so that he could kill him. And kill him he did. Frankly, I have never done anything against either man, and we have many friends in common. Shilow's father was given a home in my crew for many months." Following Mondays events the new Angels leader, Fallen, took up with Paradox his killing of his friend Birday. A gunfight broke out between the two men which lasted around an hour, many bodyguard lives were lost in this time, before Fallen finally received a fatal wound and died in the street. 'RACE FOR RANK ' Birday This Week saw the race of three Made Man race for the coveted Rank of Capo. Sab Death Toll and Claudio Constanza, all great friends for ages from different family one night celebrating life and all the great things they've been doing in their lives. Now after getting "Royally Smashed" Sal had a great Idea. Some friendly competition to the next prestigious rank of Capo. So after they sobered up a bit Sab decided to take this to the streets in order to not only make a bit of money gambling but more importantly to thank all the family members that helped all of them through times and let them get to the place they got. The plan Worked out within minutes several people where congratulating the three men wishing them luck and even donating money to the winner....and of Course Smoke tried to get everyone to give him the money instead. After an interview with Sab he just wanted to note and make the Following clear: “Firstly, I would like to once again extend my sincerest congratulations to Costanza. Fair and square, he has proved himself the better man today. I do, however, want to emphasize the word ‘today’. Also, I would like to accentuate the fact that all three of us, though prior friends, are members of separate families. Death Toll, from Atlanta's Outsiders, Claudio, from Chicago's Meggio Mob, and myself from Miami's Angels. I hope everyone can take note at how well our three families were able to display a sense of friendly rivalry and cooperation here. Yes, it may have been a semi-inconsequential thing that we were racing for, but we had fun doing it. And I am very pleased to think that we did nothing more than strengthen our interfamily ties. I would love to think that we have started a trend here. Oh, and lastly, to my friend DT. The race ain't over yet mate. I believe the saying goes: "First is the worst, Second is the best..."" These are very noble words and hopefully more Families will be able to start cooperating like this on more levels. I Also got to speak with Death Toll: "I think it was a great idea, three friends a bit of friendly competition, with a cash incentive. It turned out to be a dirty tricks campaign by Sab and Claudio, they used every trick in the book, not that i am bitter in anyway, just 250k lighter. nah but in all seriousness it was fully deserved by Claudio, the better man won this time but next time im sure ill be the front runner, I just hope i beat Sab as I don't like coming last, well at some things anyways ;)" And The big winner of the event Claudio said: "Well I am happy. Even though it don't seem right as I have lost two great friends. But I happy i got the promotion and I thank Portia for making it happen. For the winnings, I have my kicks." 'THE CONUNDRUM ' *The Conundrum v. VI* by Sab Wonderful. Well, Miami has been the base of much talk recently, obviously. If this comes as a surprise to you, you must be clinically dim-witted, depressed, or something equally as insulting. One of the Mafia’s highest ranked members ever died this past week, causing much strain on the city of Miami, as well as a few hushed rumours. Not directly, because some people seem to fear me (I am unsure why), but rather indirectly I have over heard a few speak of the ‘Miami Curse’. Apparently, if one is to believe the rumour speculation, the city of Miami and all of its inhabitants are living under the viability of an awful and substantial curse. The rank of Consigliere, it is said, is physically impossible for any of the city’s residents to maintain for an overly extended period of time. Hogwash, many might immediately surmise, curses cannot possibly exist. People are simply being overly superstitious. But, are they? Let us for one second take the stance that curses are completely ridiculous and should not ever be taken seriously. Though this may be the case, look at the facts. His own gun, during the Angel Concept War of less than a year ago, gunned down Mr. Albert Neri. This past week just saw the death of another Angel Consigliere, Jacky Carter when a successful coup was upstaged (by a man whose name we do not here speak of) against him. Two statistics, maybe not the most reliable of information, but it does not stop there. When my own father ran a crew out of Miami he had three men and women under him at the purely titled rank of Consigliere. Each and every one of them either died within a week of this endowment, or walked away from the Mafia related streets for good. Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not. Whether or not there is factual information supporting the existence of a curse against the city of Miami is of no importance. What is important, rather, is that some are taking this information seriously and to heart. If anyone believes a curse exists, be it there in fact or in myth, I believe it exists. It takes only one man, woman, or Tarby to believe in something for it to become a reality. The only question remains: are the Angels of Miami going to let this hold them back? 'ASK KING TIE ' by King Tie We have recently had the one and only King Tie join our team here at the Gazette and he has agreed to do a column for us. So we are giving you the opportunity to ask King Tie anything. Have a problem with no answers? Ask King Tie. Something you've always wanted to know? Ask King Tie. Simply mail all questions directly to TieDomiII and keep an eye on the next issue of the Gazette for your answer. 'WEEKLY LOTTERY REVIEW ' By Portia This has been an extremely busy week at lottery HQ. Wednesday 20th June was a very busy lottery night compared to the previous Wednesday here at lottery HQ. Out of 68 players there were an amazing amount of winners, 7 in total, each winning 2.5 million. Meaning that 17.5 million was paid out to the community. The winning numbers were: 13, 16, 22, 43, 47, 49 The winners that didn't request to be anonymous were: Saint_George HomerJaySimpson Shilow MoneyPenny Saturday 23rd June however was also an extremely busy night. Still a good amount of players, 70 players in total, producing a record breaking 9 winners. Each winning 5 million. So 45 million paid out into the community. The winning numbers were 6, 12, 19, 25, 31, 41 The winners that didn't request to be anonymous were: Shorty Sab Roy-Bloom Totally_Guitarded There have also been some important changes around the rules of the lottery with regards to the prize fund. From now on there will be a set amount available for each draw. 10 million for a Wednesday. 20 million for a Saturday. Each player matching 3 numbers will win an equal share of the prize. Those of you that have numbers registered, time to get your payments in for Saturday's draw and those who haven't, well, what are you waiting for. You gotta be in it to win it. Stand by for more from lottery HQ next week. 'NEW! - JOKE OF THE DAY ' By Sal Maggio A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens." In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response... Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response.... So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replied: "Earl!.. for the 5th time, CHICKEN!" 'HOROSCOPES ' By Mystic Meg CANCER - June 21st - July 23rd A minor stroke of luck or things just falling into place should make today a this week. It might start quietly, but it will gradually improve. An idea might need to be shelved or revamped, but someone’s input could prove to be very helpful. Cash matters are looking strong. LEO - July 24th - August 23rd If last week was a bit of a bumpy ride then this week you should have a much easier time. An excellent aspect from the moon indicates that you should have no problem wrapping someone around your little finger, if you so choose! However, watch out for mixed signals and confused messages! VIRGO - August 24th - September 23rd A calmer week waits, but you should resist the temptation to take on too much. It might seem that everybody is claiming your attention and wanting your time, but the planets indicate that someone close to you may be behaving in a less than altruistic way. Don’t be afraid to say no, this week! LIBRA - September 24th - October 23rd You could find that you’re a little indecisive today, thanks to the moon. A choice or decision regarding matters of the heart could have you running in circles this evening. Postpone any major decisions for now, and concentrate on the numerous positives instead! SCORPIO - October 24th - November 22nd You could find that a family matter comes into focus this week and you might not get where someone is coming from straight away, but chances are they are talking sense. SAGITTARIUS - November 23rd - December 21st Don’t be too eager to part with your hard-earned cash this week. A seemingly wonderful, one-off bargain might not be quite the gift you think it is. Ask a friend with a more discerning eye to check your intended choices, because they will be able to sift out the good from the not so good! CAPRICORN - December 22nd - January 20th Your best postition might be to stay firmly uninvolved in a dispute or matter between friends or colleagues today. It will be a minor dispute that works itself out, so try and resist the urge to calm things down. Concentrate instead on a practical matter that needs your attention. AQUARIUS - January 21st - February 19th Cash matters will need a careful eye this week, not least because you'll be in the mood to spend a little to much! If you can then you should avoid the shops, even browsing through the shops will present to much temptation. PISCES - February 20th - March 20th The thing about good luck is that's ever-renewable, but it also runs in cycles. You've had a terrific run, so why push yourself to get even more? Enjoy all that you've managed to gain in such a short amount of time ARIES - March 21st - April 20th Why are you trying so hard to make this work when all of the signs are saying there's another part of your fate that's falling into place? Learn to read the signs and put your energy where it can be most effective. TAURUS - April 21st - May 21st Don't spend too much time trying to please friends in high places. Just be real. GEMINI - May 22nd - June 21st Being clear and direct might seem harsh or even rude, but the stars say it's exactly the direction that serves your needs right now. So take a deep breath and speak up. It's time to go after what you want, and to get it. 'TODAY IN HISTORY ' By Mark Chambers June 28, 1836 The fourth president of the United States, James Madison, died at Montpelier, his Virginia estate. June 28, 1894 Labor Day became a federal holiday by an act of Congress. June 28, 1914 Archduke Francis Ferdinand of Austria-Hungary and his wife were assassinated, setting off World War I. June 28, 1919, The Treaty of Versailles was signed in France, ending World War I. 'OBITUARIES ' By Totally Guitarded TweedLess - Earner - Jun 28th, 5:51AM Bailey: Ammo man strikes again? Rest in peace SteveMcGarrett: can't leave you alone for a minute.... *bows his head and says a prayer* Rest in peace Mono_The_Great: damn man you worked hard to get here man it's a shame it went down to this R.I.P 19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC) Sunami - Wise Guy - Jun 27th, 10:24AM SLIQUE: RIP Sunami. ;( *Lays a white rose* Bailey: Rest in peace mister 19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC) Fallen - Capo - Jun 26th, 10:59PM Zimbabwe: Wow! Whoever did this should be ashamed :[ RiP old friend Paul_Castellano: Someone is out to get The Angels, This isn't right at all. RIP brother, Contact me on your return. ClaudioCostanza: Its sad to see you go, and im sure very much you will be missed by most people. RIP friend *lays a rose* Puregold: RIP boss, I was a mere foot soldier in your family, i never really knew you, and it is sad to see my boss die. I wish your family condolences and wish them well for the future. PG 'CLASSIFIEDS ' by Totally Guitarded Have a business? Horses? Anything you want advertised? The Gazette will advertise it here, absolutely FREE! Just drop Totally_Guitarded a mail with the details. 19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC) The Gazette is back and looking for writers once more. If you have a flare for writing and wish to apply, either part time or full time.. drop by the head office in Chicago or simply submit articles/columns to Totally_Guitarded. Good rates of pay! 19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC) $The Bank of Garrison$ Weapon storage Cash Storage Mail Jim-Garrison for details 19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC) Lawyer needed. Tough courtroom setting. Contact Anthony-Casso for further details. 19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC) Visit Copacabana, Miami - A Luxury Club - Bar run by RHM 19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:44, February 17, 2013 (UTC) TG - pics. 10K each - Contact Totally_Guitarded for details.